Loving your inner artist with the 5 love languages
A framework for caring for your artist self, so you can keep on making
Do you know the five love languages?
I first heard of Gary Chapman’s concept in 2014 that there are five ways of expressing love to one other—acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and receiving gifts. We can prefer to give love in certain ways and receive in other ways, or go all in on one language.
If you don’t know your primary love language, you can take the quiz here to find out. Below are my results from the last time I took it. TL;DR I want all expressions of love! (except gifts, though I love giving gifts).
The love languages really changed my perspective on what love can comprise. I rarely felt loved from my parents growing up, but perhaps that was because I was a moody emo music loving teen who thought love only equaled words of affirmation and touch while ignoring their many selfless actions as immigrant parents (acts of service) and our yearly family travels (quality time). I’ve learned to expand my toolset of showing love, and to pay deeper attention to the ways in which others show they care for me.
A few months ago, my first art market got cancelled due to rain. I was disappointed by the lost opportunity, but also bereft of any Saturday plans as no one I reached out to was free for a last minute hang. I knew that staying at home was only going to add to my depressive state, but what was there to do otherwise? (The irony is that in NYC there is always something to do, but oh how easy it is to forget once you live here!)
I took a deep breath and had a quiet conversation with my inner artist. This disappointment must be hard for her right now. What was it that she wanted the most? She craved to be taken seriously, and to be loved.
To do both of these things I vowed to connect with my inner artist using my primary love language, quality time. I took myself on an artist date to see the eye-opening Joan Baez documentary and Sophie Treppendahl’s solo show at a Tribeca gallery. Spending a few hours with my inner artist like this was deeply nourishing, and the despair around feelings of unworthiness and bad luck completely shifted. This is the power of love! *cue Celine Dion*
I plan to keep using the framework of the five languages to consistently nourish my inner artist, whether she’s disconnected, creatively blocked, working really hard, in flow, or any other state of being. Below are some ideas for you to love your artist using your preferred language:
Touch: Give yourself a hand or shoulder massage. Experiment with a new tactile medium like ceramics or crochet or painting with your fingers.
Words of Affirmation: Reaching for an encouraging book, blog, or newsletter! Some of my favorite books are The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, Make Your Art No Matter What by Beth Pickens, Learning by Heart by Corita Kent, and Keep Going by Austin Kleon. For newsletters, try The Creative Independent,
, , and the one you’re reading right now 🌟 Last but not least, may I recommend Yumi Sakugawa’s comics and teachings?Quality Time: Go on a solo artist date! Better yet, schedule them monthly or quarterly on your calendar. This could be going to a gallery, a movie, a hike, a bookstore, a concert, a dance class, or whatever else invites play and inspiration.
Acts of Service: Give your studio/artmaking space a good clean and declutter. Designate and decorate a nook to make art if you don’t have one. Clean your brushes and palette. Organize your unnamed Procreate files. Set up an accountability plan and calendar to work on your book project.
Gifts: Buy yourself some art materials you’ve been meaning to try. DM an artist you like and do an art trade. Sign up for a class or a night of local figure drawing.
Feel free to mix and match different love languages and choose whatever speaks to you most! Do share: what comes easily to you, and what feels harder to try? Maybe you can easily gift yourself art supplies but find it hard to dedicate time for a solo date. I’d love to hear in the comments what you’re excited to try, and what you’re already doing to care for your artist self!
Thanks. Needed this today. A younger member of our family passed one month ago today in a car accident. RIP RJSK. I valued hearing about harder times, those moments life throws us off, and the steps, baby or otherwise, to use to gently, gently reset. May you all be well and brimming in art supplies and Love.
Great ideas for any career.
“…who thought love only equaled words of affirmation and touch while ignoring their many selfless actions as immigrant parents…”
My parents were 1st generation; I doubt they felt love through words of affirmation and touch from their immigrant parents. The love was expressed in overcoming all the obstacles facing immigrants, establishing a foothold and surviving; which was exhausting. My parents continued that struggle, as both had needed jobs as we lived paycheck to paycheck, while they emphasized college for their two sons. Mom always expressed love; it was in her smile and concern for us. Dad worked a physical job and was like the dads of his era as far as demonstrating his love in words; but his pride in his 2 sons shown through.
This memory is all the “affirmation and touch” that I ever needed: Dad rotated between being laid-off or being on-strike, so our financial situation was never stable. Dad was on strike one harsh winter when I was in 7th grade and he found work in the Street Department, digging ditches to uncover burst water lines. Those jobs were available because no one wanted them. Have you ever dug a ditch?
So I’m sitting in the kitchen before school and Dad is bundling up in layers of old coats and sweatshirts and I see him tying a rag around his forearm and then looping it around his shovel; he had hurt his wrist the day before and could not make a fist with his left hand, in order to grip the shovel. So, he used the rag tied his forearm to provide leverage so he could shovel with only one functioning hand. Then he was out the door into the cold.
The “touch” of that shovel to his arm was more affirmation of love than any hug or embrace could ever transmit. Like you, Carolyn, I was a moody music loving teen at the time, caring only for myself and my teen friends and ignoring my parents; BUT I could not ignore that watershed event.
I SMH because I’m sure my parents, and their parents would have much preferred hugging their children and expressing their love if life would have allowed such luxuries.