This was like reading something my past self would've written, right down to the tears. What completely changed my life was when I started to use a budget app (I cannot recommend YNAB enough!!). The reason is that—after assigning money to all my bills—I then carefully curate categories that provide me with joy and quality of life. To speak to one of your anecdotes, I even have a transportation category outside of gas (for the bus, Uber, and even scooter rides). I also have a category dedicated to Artwork because supporting other artists like me is super important to me. So if I fall in love with something, I check my category, see if I've saved enough, and then spend 100% guilt-free because my past self declared it was ok to put my money there. Likewise I have a "Compassion" category for donations and a "Treating My Peeps" category for when I want to buy a friend a coffee. YNAB also helped me finally start putting money into my IRA that was sitting dormant since I left my more "stable" job 8 years ago to freelance. I now realize that I was so frugal and guilty because I really had no idea how much money I had to spend after bills. Or I was fearful that some huge bill would come my way so I never wanted to feel unprepared. My bank and savings would just sit there doing nothing while I lived in constant anxiety. Now I have categories dedicated to pop-up medical expenses and car repairs (had enough saved when a whopping $1200 repair came my way this year!) BIG BREATH. I know I sound like a commercial, haha!! But I always share my story about YNAB with folks because it's made such a gigantic difference in my life. And maybe someone reading this needs the nudge too!
Oooh what a fun budgeting system! I haven't tried YNAB but I use Monarch for budgeting & tracking. I'm getting really inspired by the branding of your categories though - "Treating My Peeps", how sweet! I think I'll try to invite more of the play and values I want to redirect money toward instead of having generic categories like "shopping" or "gifts."
There's also the 50/30/20 rule that is often suggested on breaking down needs/wants/savings. I've been heavily overindexing on savings according to that breakdown and after surpassing my savings goals, it's time to make some changes. Thanks for the inspiration!
Oo Monarch, I haven’t heard of that one but def same concept! Congratulations for surpassing your savings goal!!🙌🏼🤩 That’s amazing!! And “invite more play” is such a great way of putting it, love that! Because saving and spending don’t have to be boring or dirty words! 😂
Oh, I feel this so much, especially the part about not wanting to spend $2.90 on a subway ride! (Why is that such a difficult expenditure?) My money trauma is a huge conflict where half of me believes I don't deserve to earn "enough" and the other half spends wantonly on myself anytime I have "excess." Ooof. Have you ever looked into your Human Design? It's been super illuminating and helpful for my unpacking of all this.
I know right? It will get even more painful when it inevitably surpasses $3 😂 And that conflicting swing you describe is so real. Funny you mention Human Design, I have been diving DEEP into my chart this week beyond my type/strategy/authority! My Motivation is Need which explains so much about my operating money beliefs. Super enlightening stuff. What's in your HD that was illuminating for you?
My Motivation is Need too! Yay!?!? For me, knowing my two open centers (Head and Ego/Heart) explained SO MUCH about my wonky self-belief. Not feeling worthy? Check. Taking on other peoples’ problems? Check. Feeling weird for not wanting to be competitive? Check.
I relate to everything in this post, especially the part about an immigrant upbringing. Yesterday I missed the bus and decided to treat myself to my favorite drink at Peet’s, a dirty chai. With inflation, it’s now $6.10—for a small. It was delicious and yet with every sip, I chastised myself for indulging.
On a bigger scale, I’m moving to France to study French. This is after traveling and volunteering in Europe for a year. I fulfilled one lifelong dream and now another. I’ve worked all my life for thisI. And even though it’s my money, it feels frivolous and wholly irresponsible. This is compounded by my brother’s response. Or non response as it were.
When I returned this summer, I stayed with him for a month. He didn’t ask me anything about my trip. I told him my plans for France. Crickets. Could it be that he doesn’t know how to relate? What I know is that I felt small. His silence was/is a form of disapproval. When I contextualize this within inflation and the divisive political environment in which Americans are living, my decision to not work and study in Europe instead (for a non-degree program no less!) must seem to him to be a rebuke on how we were raised: to explore for its own sake, to honor my creativity, to *take pleasure in living* (how dare I!?)—they’re all ways in which I’m forging my own path. In my family, money and self-worth are conflated. And the message I learned is that I don’t deserve to be happy.
Beth Picken’s book, Make Your Art No Matter What, helped me break through and reject this mindset. More importantly, it helped me reclaim my agency and worth.
Thank you for this post. It’s a reminder that my artmaking is valuable because I made it.
What a lovely commitment to the life you want to live! You have worked hard for it and now you are bravely going to live it :) I definitely find it's often the loved ones closest to us, especially family, that find it hard to understand our decisions—but we don't need them to fully understand, either. They'll come around as they see you live more vibrantly in your true essence and know that you know what kind of life is best for you!
Love Make Your Art No Matter What too—might be time for me to pick that book up again!
When I realized a baby gets up and falls down, an average of 2000 times before the brain realizes baby is trying to take its first step it made sense that failure is a requirement of growth.
To fail is to waste resources, waste time, waste money even.
To allow yourself to play not work, to give yourself time and space to enjoy the process not have everything perfectly budgeted in your ledger of life.
It's not what I learned growing up - money trauma is real! Poverty holds onto you even as an adult, even with 'enough'.
I appreciated how Julia Cameron discusses money in the The Artist's Way. Week 6 is all about: Recovering a Sense of Abundance and Indulging in Creative Luxury. I find it difficult to do but a helpful new perspective.
As a child of divorced parents (but probably applicable to all children), I’ve noticed how my parents spend differently and how that has impacted their lives. I’m trying to master my own relationship with money that values both saving for things that matter and spending on things that matter. It’s a tricky dance!
Thank you for sharing your journey so vulnerably. 💕
I can imagine the fascinating layers of money beliefs that must result in! It is a tricky dance, constantly orienting ourselves towards what matters most (while staying sane in the meantime)!
I totally relate to hoarding money and feeling as if you don’t deserve to spend it on yourself. I spent so many years this way and am still struggling to unlearn this belief. Now, I currently struggle with how much of myself (and time and energy I could channel into my art) I’m willing to sacrifice to get money (a 9-5 job). Like you said, money is important in the world we live in and we can’t ignore it.
Lots of nodding along with you! There's no right or wrong answers; we've got to keep playing with the levers and see what balance is right for us. Wishing you space to experiment and see what works best for you 💛
Hi Carolyn, thanks for sharing your vulnerability. I’ve never made six figures so I don’t know what that feels like but I do come from an immigrant family so I understand the mentality. It’s complicated, indeed. Like you, I also hesitate to spend money on myself because I feel like it was ingrained in us that it’s a frivolous thing to better yourself using money or something like that. Thanks again!
There's so much we carry from our families 💛 not all bad, many blessings too! I hope we both can practice spending on ourselves and reaping the fruits of money thatwe've earned :)
Thank you! In so many ways, I feel you. I thought a lot about this subject last year as I was still at home with my son and was able to work so little. Not having enough money cut my creativity, I was drained. This year I’ve been able to get back to normal and have had my creativity back. Money is complex!
For sure, Nani! I think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs chart often and how we don't have capacity to tend to our creative needs (closer to the self-actualization category) if our base, immediate needs aren't met. I'm happy to hear you've been able to restore some balance this year :)
I loved this! I go in and out of the scarcity mindset when it comes to money and have to remind myself of so much of this. If you haven’t read Happy Money I highly suggest it! 💕
I feel this so much. Over the years I've done better financially and I done worse, and despite never making what is considered "enough" I've had an excellent life. A big part of this is luck (having generally good health) and part is choices.
In my younger days I used to say if time is money, money is also time.
There are some things I wish I'd done differently and other things I don't regret at all.
That is so reassuring to hear Anne! I'd love to trust in my own resilience and I think letting go of that need for control and safety will do wonders. And yes—need to remember how sacred time is, even more than money!
Money fears ABSOLUTELY stopped my art making. In fact, I never even considered making art until three years ago when I decided to do something new just for the fun of it (painting).
This year, the journey continued with starting my newsletter. Money matters but I'm grateful for how my relationship with it has changed and allowed me to enjoy art.
So glad you gave art a chance! The tiniest seed of permission can blossom into so much, as it has for you and your wonderful newsletter that touches so many people's hearts (and within only one year! Amazing what you have created & grown!)
As an immigrant whose parents didn’t realize how expensive school was… I left with plenty of debt as we didn’t move to Canada for me to NOT get an education. Years of being broke, working crazy hours through school, and wondering how I’d pay for life left me with a deep fear of falling into poverty again. I now sit down and show myself my own numbers to build a sense of security. If I don’t do this, I’ll work myself to the bone out of fear. I’ve also started separate accounts for things, such as a travel account so I can book without fear. I also set goals for specific things, like when we move, I know I want enough for a new couch etc. dealing with finance trauma is very real.
This is a second letter I read about money. Maybe it's time I write on one too! Having cut emotional ties with money, it no longer has such a grip on me (despite my childhood trauma). But I still have this notion that I have to achieve financial freedom before I can quit my day job to just work on my art. However, I do spend my hard-earned money to free up more time for me, which means more time for art....so I guess I am going in the right direction?
This was like reading something my past self would've written, right down to the tears. What completely changed my life was when I started to use a budget app (I cannot recommend YNAB enough!!). The reason is that—after assigning money to all my bills—I then carefully curate categories that provide me with joy and quality of life. To speak to one of your anecdotes, I even have a transportation category outside of gas (for the bus, Uber, and even scooter rides). I also have a category dedicated to Artwork because supporting other artists like me is super important to me. So if I fall in love with something, I check my category, see if I've saved enough, and then spend 100% guilt-free because my past self declared it was ok to put my money there. Likewise I have a "Compassion" category for donations and a "Treating My Peeps" category for when I want to buy a friend a coffee. YNAB also helped me finally start putting money into my IRA that was sitting dormant since I left my more "stable" job 8 years ago to freelance. I now realize that I was so frugal and guilty because I really had no idea how much money I had to spend after bills. Or I was fearful that some huge bill would come my way so I never wanted to feel unprepared. My bank and savings would just sit there doing nothing while I lived in constant anxiety. Now I have categories dedicated to pop-up medical expenses and car repairs (had enough saved when a whopping $1200 repair came my way this year!) BIG BREATH. I know I sound like a commercial, haha!! But I always share my story about YNAB with folks because it's made such a gigantic difference in my life. And maybe someone reading this needs the nudge too!
Oooh what a fun budgeting system! I haven't tried YNAB but I use Monarch for budgeting & tracking. I'm getting really inspired by the branding of your categories though - "Treating My Peeps", how sweet! I think I'll try to invite more of the play and values I want to redirect money toward instead of having generic categories like "shopping" or "gifts."
There's also the 50/30/20 rule that is often suggested on breaking down needs/wants/savings. I've been heavily overindexing on savings according to that breakdown and after surpassing my savings goals, it's time to make some changes. Thanks for the inspiration!
Oo Monarch, I haven’t heard of that one but def same concept! Congratulations for surpassing your savings goal!!🙌🏼🤩 That’s amazing!! And “invite more play” is such a great way of putting it, love that! Because saving and spending don’t have to be boring or dirty words! 😂
Oh, I feel this so much, especially the part about not wanting to spend $2.90 on a subway ride! (Why is that such a difficult expenditure?) My money trauma is a huge conflict where half of me believes I don't deserve to earn "enough" and the other half spends wantonly on myself anytime I have "excess." Ooof. Have you ever looked into your Human Design? It's been super illuminating and helpful for my unpacking of all this.
I know right? It will get even more painful when it inevitably surpasses $3 😂 And that conflicting swing you describe is so real. Funny you mention Human Design, I have been diving DEEP into my chart this week beyond my type/strategy/authority! My Motivation is Need which explains so much about my operating money beliefs. Super enlightening stuff. What's in your HD that was illuminating for you?
My Motivation is Need too! Yay!?!? For me, knowing my two open centers (Head and Ego/Heart) explained SO MUCH about my wonky self-belief. Not feeling worthy? Check. Taking on other peoples’ problems? Check. Feeling weird for not wanting to be competitive? Check.
Check check for me too! (I am a Reflector and all my centers are open 🥲)
I relate to everything in this post, especially the part about an immigrant upbringing. Yesterday I missed the bus and decided to treat myself to my favorite drink at Peet’s, a dirty chai. With inflation, it’s now $6.10—for a small. It was delicious and yet with every sip, I chastised myself for indulging.
On a bigger scale, I’m moving to France to study French. This is after traveling and volunteering in Europe for a year. I fulfilled one lifelong dream and now another. I’ve worked all my life for thisI. And even though it’s my money, it feels frivolous and wholly irresponsible. This is compounded by my brother’s response. Or non response as it were.
When I returned this summer, I stayed with him for a month. He didn’t ask me anything about my trip. I told him my plans for France. Crickets. Could it be that he doesn’t know how to relate? What I know is that I felt small. His silence was/is a form of disapproval. When I contextualize this within inflation and the divisive political environment in which Americans are living, my decision to not work and study in Europe instead (for a non-degree program no less!) must seem to him to be a rebuke on how we were raised: to explore for its own sake, to honor my creativity, to *take pleasure in living* (how dare I!?)—they’re all ways in which I’m forging my own path. In my family, money and self-worth are conflated. And the message I learned is that I don’t deserve to be happy.
Beth Picken’s book, Make Your Art No Matter What, helped me break through and reject this mindset. More importantly, it helped me reclaim my agency and worth.
Thank you for this post. It’s a reminder that my artmaking is valuable because I made it.
What a lovely commitment to the life you want to live! You have worked hard for it and now you are bravely going to live it :) I definitely find it's often the loved ones closest to us, especially family, that find it hard to understand our decisions—but we don't need them to fully understand, either. They'll come around as they see you live more vibrantly in your true essence and know that you know what kind of life is best for you!
Love Make Your Art No Matter What too—might be time for me to pick that book up again!
Happiness makes people more creative, more flexible in their thinking. 💎
When I realized a baby gets up and falls down, an average of 2000 times before the brain realizes baby is trying to take its first step it made sense that failure is a requirement of growth.
To fail is to waste resources, waste time, waste money even.
To allow yourself to play not work, to give yourself time and space to enjoy the process not have everything perfectly budgeted in your ledger of life.
It's not what I learned growing up - money trauma is real! Poverty holds onto you even as an adult, even with 'enough'.
I appreciated how Julia Cameron discusses money in the The Artist's Way. Week 6 is all about: Recovering a Sense of Abundance and Indulging in Creative Luxury. I find it difficult to do but a helpful new perspective.
As a child of divorced parents (but probably applicable to all children), I’ve noticed how my parents spend differently and how that has impacted their lives. I’m trying to master my own relationship with money that values both saving for things that matter and spending on things that matter. It’s a tricky dance!
Thank you for sharing your journey so vulnerably. 💕
I can imagine the fascinating layers of money beliefs that must result in! It is a tricky dance, constantly orienting ourselves towards what matters most (while staying sane in the meantime)!
I totally relate to hoarding money and feeling as if you don’t deserve to spend it on yourself. I spent so many years this way and am still struggling to unlearn this belief. Now, I currently struggle with how much of myself (and time and energy I could channel into my art) I’m willing to sacrifice to get money (a 9-5 job). Like you said, money is important in the world we live in and we can’t ignore it.
Lots of nodding along with you! There's no right or wrong answers; we've got to keep playing with the levers and see what balance is right for us. Wishing you space to experiment and see what works best for you 💛
Hi Carolyn, thanks for sharing your vulnerability. I’ve never made six figures so I don’t know what that feels like but I do come from an immigrant family so I understand the mentality. It’s complicated, indeed. Like you, I also hesitate to spend money on myself because I feel like it was ingrained in us that it’s a frivolous thing to better yourself using money or something like that. Thanks again!
There's so much we carry from our families 💛 not all bad, many blessings too! I hope we both can practice spending on ourselves and reaping the fruits of money thatwe've earned :)
Thank you! In so many ways, I feel you. I thought a lot about this subject last year as I was still at home with my son and was able to work so little. Not having enough money cut my creativity, I was drained. This year I’ve been able to get back to normal and have had my creativity back. Money is complex!
For sure, Nani! I think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs chart often and how we don't have capacity to tend to our creative needs (closer to the self-actualization category) if our base, immediate needs aren't met. I'm happy to hear you've been able to restore some balance this year :)
Yes, exactly 😊
I loved this! I go in and out of the scarcity mindset when it comes to money and have to remind myself of so much of this. If you haven’t read Happy Money I highly suggest it! 💕
I can't believe I haven't heard of Happy Money! It seems so lovely and up my alley :) thank you for the recommendation!
I feel this so much. Over the years I've done better financially and I done worse, and despite never making what is considered "enough" I've had an excellent life. A big part of this is luck (having generally good health) and part is choices.
In my younger days I used to say if time is money, money is also time.
There are some things I wish I'd done differently and other things I don't regret at all.
I hope I figure out before I'm done here.
That is so reassuring to hear Anne! I'd love to trust in my own resilience and I think letting go of that need for control and safety will do wonders. And yes—need to remember how sacred time is, even more than money!
Great piece Carolyn ❤️
Money fears ABSOLUTELY stopped my art making. In fact, I never even considered making art until three years ago when I decided to do something new just for the fun of it (painting).
This year, the journey continued with starting my newsletter. Money matters but I'm grateful for how my relationship with it has changed and allowed me to enjoy art.
So glad you gave art a chance! The tiniest seed of permission can blossom into so much, as it has for you and your wonderful newsletter that touches so many people's hearts (and within only one year! Amazing what you have created & grown!)
Thank you for the kind words 🥹❤️
As an immigrant whose parents didn’t realize how expensive school was… I left with plenty of debt as we didn’t move to Canada for me to NOT get an education. Years of being broke, working crazy hours through school, and wondering how I’d pay for life left me with a deep fear of falling into poverty again. I now sit down and show myself my own numbers to build a sense of security. If I don’t do this, I’ll work myself to the bone out of fear. I’ve also started separate accounts for things, such as a travel account so I can book without fear. I also set goals for specific things, like when we move, I know I want enough for a new couch etc. dealing with finance trauma is very real.
This is a second letter I read about money. Maybe it's time I write on one too! Having cut emotional ties with money, it no longer has such a grip on me (despite my childhood trauma). But I still have this notion that I have to achieve financial freedom before I can quit my day job to just work on my art. However, I do spend my hard-earned money to free up more time for me, which means more time for art....so I guess I am going in the right direction?
"There is no money in poetry, but then, there is no poetry in money."
-- Robert Graves