When disappointment abounds

Friends, I have been in a funk.

After receiving a string of disappointing news lately—difficulties with getting a promotion at work over multiple cycles, my first art fair getting cancelled due to rain—I can’t help interpret these events as signs of failure rather than what they really are, simply circumstances of life beyond my control.

Beyond my control. Again I remember the difficulty in accepting our lack of control. I want that to be a gentle reminder for you too, whether you read about the news of war and feel compelled to share information and act or you feel overwhelmed and need time to digest. Amidst fear, disappointment, and pain, we are all coping how we can.

Earlier this week I got both the flu shot and covid booster. The next morning I woke with a fever and delighted in the prospect of taking a sick day. To sleep all day! To read, to draw these silly drawings, to eat chicken juk I preemptively cooked.

Wanting to be (mildly) sick is wanting to be free from expectations, whether from others or ourselves. We can grant that freedom to ourselves any time, but it sure is easier to rest when our body is giving clear signs.

When I make final work, whether it be for clients or for an art challenge, I get very jumbled in my head trying to determine whether the work feels “like me.” I compare the work to the lively energy that I find in my sketchbook that doesn’t seem to be present whenever an artwork becomes official.

There is really only one answer to this dilemma, which is to make art with abandon especially after making work under limitations and expectations. Otherwise overthinking leads to doubt, which becomes stagnancy.

When disappointment abounds, I lean on others to reassure me that I did the best I can and hope that they inspire me to keep going. Normally I resist asking others for help but self-encouragement is something I’ve struggled with for a lifetime.

Earlier this year I worked with a coach who asked me to bring three wins to celebrate every session. At times coming up with three was a breeze, other times it was an effortful stretch. But each week we started each session listing each of the wins and genuinely celebrating, smiling and clapping with my coach proclaiming “Yay! That is huge!” (my monkey mind did not think it was huge, but appreciated it nonetheless).

I’m slowly starting to regain my desire to help myself, thanks to kind words from loved ones and lots of sleep. Instead of jumping into a frenzy of activity with a checklist of tasks, I wrote out a list of wins from this week:

• Being able to comfortably recall memories and form them into stories in my speaking class

• Meeting lots of lovely Substackers at a Brooklyn meetup hosted by Anne Kadet Jillian Hess Kimia Dargahi (such a wonderful time, thank you!)

• Starting acupuncture and chiropractic treatment for my right shoulder that has been rotting for years

• Baking an apple pie that did not bubble over

• Following my heart to draw these drawings and write these words for this post rather than rigidly following my content calendar

As always, thank you for reading 🧡 If you feel compelled, I would love to read your wins in the comments and get the chance to celebrate you this week!